THIRTY - 008
On July 1st, I turned 30 years old.
As my birthday was nearing, I’ve been getting an overwhelming feeling that I’m approaching “BOOK II” in my story.
When reading and expecting the next page to be a new chapter - instead getting hit with “BOOK II” - I always think…okay, I guess we’re shifting gears.
This past year has been something. The highest highs, and the lowest lows I have ever experienced.
Traditionally, I take a long solo hike on my birthday.
This year was special, as my mom and I were in Washington visiting my sister and nephews for the first time in about 4 years. After a freak situation causing my sister to go to the ER (she’s okay!) the morning we had planned to go for my birthday hike with the family, I ended up going on the hike alone after all.
The point of the birthday hike is to be in nature, meditate and reflect on the past year, as well as the year to come.
While hiking/meditating - it was mostly silence. Obviously, that’s part of meditating…silencing the mind. Typically something profound hits me.
Eventually, somewhere along the 7 miles, it dropped on my head: Make art.
Well…no shit.
I realized that was the only thing coming to me - because that’s all that matters right now: Just make art. Focus on art. Produce.
Every single idea I have for my next 20 pieces - I can see them all in my head - perfectly.
As a child, I had a feeling I was going to be “famous”. So many people made it clear, even at a young age, that ‘artist’ wasn’t a real career - I assumed I was going to be a famous athlete. It probably didn’t help that my dad was trying to groom me to be a pro golfer and/or NASCAR racer…I’m not kidding.
Obviously, I never went pro in any sport, but that “famous” feeling never went away.
Over the past few years, I’ve started to question why I haven’t “made it” yet. Somewhat recently I put all the pieces together: the work isn’t even made.
I can see all the artwork I’m going to make in the next coming years, perfectly - IN MY HEAD.
It’s so real to me - I couldn’t differentiate that I haven’t even made the artwork - I’m the only one who’s seen it. It’s fucking mental…and slightly hysterical.
I know…“Don't tell people your plans. Show them your results.” Trust me, I don’t share most of my thoughts, feelings, plans…and there will be plenty of “surprises” along the way. I’m also not saying this is going to happen or happening within the next year. I’m talking…maybe 10 years.
I know that sounds insane and/or delusional. There is no question though.
If I never “become a famous artist” - oh fucking well - I’m going out swinging, regardless.
“Fame and fortune” is not my goal in life or my purpose. If it happens, it’s just going to be a byproduct.
My purpose is to simply make art, and share that art with the world.
I create with the intention to cast my light into the dark. To be a torch in the darkness for others.
Maybe you’re so afraid of the dark, you walk through life with your eyes closed - that’s no way to live either. Hurting is healthy (relatively). I can show you that side as well.
It’s no question that suffering is a natural part of life - and the suffering only amplifies the joy and happiness we can experience.
I will take the next 60-70-80 years, till my hands fall off…then I’ll still use whatever is left of me (picture Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn towards the end of ‘Death Becomes Her”)…to make artwork for you. To remind you that you’re never alone in your suffering, and this life is a beautiful one.
BOOK II
