MOTHER - 009

“You’ve got big balls. Anything you want to do - you just do it.” - Mom.

Mother’s Day, 2024.

After I asked for a divorce, my mom was the only one who could really be there for me and understood what I was going through - because my story was her story. 

I have spent the last year and a half wrapping my head around the past 10 years. How did I end up in an emotionally abusive relationship? Luckily, I got myself out of that situation, but I’m continuously learning about the trauma of being with a narcissist, how much it broke me, and how the damage will be long-lasting. For once in my life, this was something I could not get through on my own. 

For the first time in my life, I needed to ask for help. 

The help started with my mom. As I shared what I had gone through, we learned how painfully similar our stories were. As she listened and validated such a confusing situation, I learned so much about her at the same time. 

Then there is Joy - my massage therapist, client, and friend. She heard bits and pieces as my relationship was coming to an end. She knew it was coming well before I did. She tended to my aching body, shared helpful insights, and listened. 

Joy introduced me to an energy worker. “A healer can help you to identify areas of imbalance in your energy fields that impact your emotional, mental, and unexplained physical pain. The healer is a conduit for a person’s highest self and energy. Energy healing allows work to be done in the body while connecting to one’s mind and inner child.”

Learning to connect to my inner child was an unexpected gift.

I always thought my childhood was pretty normal—of course, I had no baseline for what normal was. I had two parents who obviously loved me, food, and a roof over my head—what could be traumatic about that?

I was an independent child because I had to be. I remember my mom worked a lot, and during the weekend, she’d lay in bed all day, depressed. I couldn't understand why she seemed so lifeless. 

When Dad got home, was he already drunk? How scary was he going to be? Should I get on my bike and ride to the woods - my sanctuary from it all?

I saw my mom as a shell during most of my childhood, because she was. She was navigating her own anxiety and depression, being a parent, working overtime to make sure the bills were paid,  keeping up with the house, all while navigating emotional abuse. 

She wasn’t neglecting me - she was doing her best. 

As we connected our stories, my childhood made so much sense, my trauma makes sense. The way I remembered her made sense. Her being “an empty shell” was the best she could do. 

She kept it all to herself, got on with life, and always did what needed to be done. She persisted. 

For the record, my dad was a great dad. He was far from perfect, but similarly, he did his best while combatting his own demons. 

Both parents gave what they could.

Without energy work and talk therapy, I could have gone through life telling myself I had a normal childhood that had zero effect on me now. 

“Children don’t get traumatized because they get hurt. They get traumatized because they’re alone with the hurt.” - Gabor Mate.

As I learn to connect with my inner child, I learn how to show up for myself as the parent I needed and give myself the care and attention I deserved. At the exact same time, I’m learning about my mother. I’m learning that the person I saw depressed in bed was (and still is) so strong. 

For Mother's Day, I picked up burritos and went to her house. We talked for hours, and our conversations weaved in and out from mundane to silly to serious, then another round of that. 

We started talking about my upcoming move out of state. That’s when she dropped the line about me having “big balls.” I laughed, and then I got nervous. A hilarious line to hear coming from your mother, but I knew she was serious, and it would be followed by something serious. I knew she was about to say something profound that I’d never heard before. It’s a similar anticipation of finally getting to see the monster behind the door at the end of a movie, or finally getting to learn what the golden glow is coming from the suitcase. 

This woman had never opened up about anything in her life, and it took the common ground of our two abusive relationships to do so. She spoke of the hurt, because she saw the same hurt in me, and that was important enough to break her silence. Her support has been everything to me during this time. 

When I told my mom months ago I was leaving Connecticut, she told me in such a stoic manner how happy she was for me. I knew she was unintentionally flexing her strength yet again. She was holding her composure and being strong for me. She was trying not to show any sadness because she wants me to continue living the life I want to live without hesitation for her. There was nothing that gave this away, it was simply a knowing. 

Ironically, seeing her be strong for me was still heartbreaking. 

This woman has done all she could for my sister and I. There was nothing perfect about our upbringing. I had to struggle, I had to make mistakes, I had to recognize when I was somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be, or in a bad situation I shouldn’t have been in, and get myself out of trouble. I had so much independence to fuck up then figure it out on my own, but she always kept me in check when things got bad. 

My parents weren't perfect, and I believe part of that factored into what created such an eventful life so far, and led me here - exactly where I’m meant to be - I fully support myself, I am making a living with my art, I’m living my life the way I want, I’m in love, and I’m heading onto my next big adventure. 

What was the “gold in the suitcase?” My mom grieves for her 20-something-year-old self, who was too naive to get married and wished she had never been with my father. She acknowledges that without him, she wouldn't have had her two daughters, and for that - she would do it all over again. We are her greatest gift. 

I feel that love to my core. I feel her sacrifices. I felt some of that same pain she felt. I know she stayed quiet for so long.

She gave me her blessing to go. She wants me to continue living the life she didn’t get to live, and seeing me live my life exactly the way I want brings her happiness. 

It’s a strange feeling to know someone sacrificed so much of their life for you. 

We’ve just started becoming close, and now I’m saying goodbye. 

Her blessing, her sacrifices, and her strength - it’s fuel to my fire. My light is so much brighter because of her. 

All the women who have helped me these past few months - I am overflowing with love, and it is my mission to spread that love to so many others in my lifetime. 

Mother's Day is not only a way to honor our mothers but a way to celebrate divine feminine energy. 

In that suffocating relationship, I was being forged into a better person in my suffering. It pushed me to seek multiple therapies. It had been preparing me for my next adventure and unexpectedly bringing me closer to my mother. I am starting my next chapter, with my love - who I’ve been manifesting all my life - someone who loves me in a way that I’ve always dreamed about, and moving to a place I’ve felt called to but know little about. 

Her parenting wasn’t perfect, but it led me to exactly where I need to be, and for that - it was perfect.  

To my mother, my incredible partner, and my team of healers - I am so grateful for you all. The love you have given me will be spread tenfold - that is my word.