WHY - 005

Let’s just say I’m currently at a very transformative point in my life.

My purpose in this life is to be an artist. To make art. To share that art.

I’m very aware that many people struggle to find their purpose or meaning in their lives. The fact that I know my purpose - is a gift in itself. I’ve known it for years, and I’m greatful I never have to wonder.

Except that I wonder about other things: Why?

I wonder why I’m supposed to create artwork. Sure, I can make something and keep it to myself and be content with that. However, when a person reacts to my art - it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I’ve communicated something. It feels like I’m doing something right in the world. I know I can’t keep this to myself.

There isn’t a reason or excuse in the world as to why I shouldn’t.

Why though? Why make it? Why share it? What good is it really going to do?

I’m gifted with knowing my purpose, but I’m tormented with questions that come along with it.

It started with fear.

With fear came resistance, procrastination, hesitation, and excuses.

The pain of not creating eventually grew stronger than that fear.

The issue became a matter of time management.

I tried and I failed. I failed a lot and the pain continued to grow.

I knew every single aspect of my life had to change. I cut anything out that didn’t serve my purpose. I learned to be discipline with my time, and squeeze out any amount to put towards creating art, even if it was 30 minutes. I’d take anything. I spent years reading self help books, business books, learned how other artists created, worked, lived. I started exercising regularly, eating better, using a planner to plan out my days, set a bed time, started waking up early, and so on. I changed any part of my life that could help make me more efficient, productive, as well as more healthy, physically and mentally.

It was never about finding the time. It was making the time.

I would look at old work from years ago. It’s good, but I can do so much better. The finished work was and is still relevant to me, however, I have new philosophies I need to explore. The ideas were never the issue. I have enough ideas to last 50 life times. It’s always been about time.

I started my first piece since my long dry spell (albeit I’ve been drawing about 4-6 days a week for tattoos since 2013) and the personal transformation and positive changes I made to my life. I’d wake up at 5am to squeeze in some time before work, and I did what I could on the weekends. I put everything I had learned, all the tools of productivity to work. It was working. I wasn’t able to work on the piece for large blocks of time. Eventually, the small sections that were completed here and there, equated to a finished piece of art.

For the first time in my life, I felt like a true artist. Sure, I’ve been making art my entire life. To make something on my own - not an assignment, not a commission or tattoo, something I personally felt the need to create.

I feel like I’ve been at war for years - I learned how to suffer and embrace that pain and use it as fuel, learned discipline, learned how to strategize and create a plan of attack, and use the tools I picked up along the way - the war was won.

I know how to make the time. I have the discipline. I have ideas. I have everything I need.

It’s time to put myself out there, and the familiar friend has resurfaced: resistance.

Resistance asks: Why put yourself out there?

I’ve held back from “putting myself out there” because I never felt like I was “ready”and frankly…it’s terrifying. However, by my own standard - I would never be ready, in that case. I think there is a quote for this - something like: “If it doesn’t scare you, is it really worth doing?” The idea is to always be better and to never stop growing. Each piece should be better than the last. My technique will change. Growth is good. There is never going to be a “good time” to start, the important thing is to just fucking start.

I’ve confused myself with the countless people who post everything they think, feel, and eat online for others to see, and I’ve always thought: we don’t need any more of these assholes.

I missed this part about these assholes…they’re typically not putting something beautiful out into the world. If it’s not beautiful, I don’t need to share.

Resistance tells me the world is saturated with enough bullshit, don’t bother adding to it. The other part of me says that putting myself out there is just the next step - it’s what I need to do - don’t worry about what’s already out there. I’m here to show my perspective, the way I see the world. Thats the job of an artist, right?

I have a thesis and imagery that will represent my philosophy.

Sometimes, I have ideas for art and wonder why or how that will relate to anything. The best way to describe it is: I get an idea - I dont always understand why that is the imagry I want to convey, I just get an overwhelmingly strong feeling. After that piece is complete, I am able to understand why I needed to create it. A premonition, if you will. I trust myself to make the art, not knowing why - guiding myself through the dark, and in the end, I always find the light.

Why? I don’t know why, but I’m starting to realize that why isn’t actually important right now.

What I do know is: This is what I have to do.

Just like my ideas - I wont know why until the end, I suppose.

As far as being ready? There is no better time then now.

I have no clue what is going to hapen.

I have no clue where this can go.

If you stick around, I guess you’ll get to figure it all out around the same time I do.

I have no fucking clue what I’m doing, but every fiber of my being and all of the signs in the world are telling me I have to do this.

I hope this ride is going to be a good one, because this has been one hell of a build up.

Welcome to the beginning.